Hello there! How are you?
I disappeared for a little while. But here I am.
The rain is falling, the toddler is napping, the tea is steeping. And right now, I feel like writing. For no other purpose than the simple pleasure of writing something down.
We are here for such a short time, shouldn’t we find a way to enjoy the things we spend our time on? But for the past while, the joy had escaped from my writing. Like an overtired toddler it had grown whiney, irritated, angry. Prone to sudden bursts of crying. I felt that my voice had run away. Where was she? Sitting down to write was an arduous challenge. Every word I typed came slowly, painfully. I kept forcing it. I kept showing up, thinking that was the point. And perhaps part of it is — nothing is easy all of the time. But then there’s the wisdom to know when it is time to step away.
So, like a toddler, I put my writing down for a nap. There, there, now. It’s time for a little rest and I’ll come get you soon. She fell asleep without a fight. I haven’t heard a peep since.
I decided it was time to start living. Like, really living. Not in a fanatic, thrill-seeker, let’s-go-jump-off-a-cliff type of way, but in an invested sort of way. The grocery clerk bagging my food became the most important person in my life, and connecting with the neighbours I haven’t spoken with all winter is the week’s highest goal.
I’ve re-entered life and she is beautiful. Like the purple crocuses poking up all over my back yard, delight is popping up unexpectedly. Little surprises of warmth and joy.
My well was dry but slowly I can feel it filling again. Drip by drip. My voice is coming back. Oh, there I am. There’s the girl I know. The one who loves to take care of people, and laugh, and smile, and sing. The one who wants to know God and love others, in my shy, awkward kind of way.
It wasn’t one of those vacations where you hop on a plane and lounge on the beach and someone serves you cappuccino and little pastries in bed, yet I somehow feel refreshed.
I packed away the winter wear and swept up year-old dust bunnies from the neglected corners of my hallway closet. Ahh, finally. I binged on the newest episodes of Chef’s Table and searched the city for a fresh cannoli (and have you tried them? You must. My toddler would agree). I’ve been chasing around my now five-year-old on his little blue bike, soaking up the mild temperatures and sunshine that have finally decided to show up on our part of the world.
We’ve had lovely visits with friends, gathering on living room carpets and playground benches, in coffee shops and on hiking trails along the ocean. As we all come out of hibernation I think to myself, “Wow, there’s so many of us!” I’m reminded how lucky I am to know so many women in this phase of motherhood.
I raise a glass to you all — to us, to motherhood, to life. To those wild dreams we hold in our hearts of someday, somehow…
Don’t let go of that! Keep it close. Tend to it like a little fire, even if all you can do is buy that weird ingredient you’ve always wanted to try, or splurge on a home decor magazine during your late night diaper run. Inspiration lurks everywhere, but reveals herself only to those willing to get their hands dirty. Go ahead love, pick up the shovel.
Don’t forget yourself. Don’t forget about one another. There’s so many of us doing this thing! Get out there and find yours.